Gotta Talk About the Slog!

First, I need to apologize for how long it is between posts. I keep on meaning to write and then not doing it- this time because I was sick for an entire freaking month and am STILL recovering! I did get my sidequest blog started though (and am also behind on that) you can check it out here! 

But for this blog today, I am not going to focus on my eventual relocation but rather something important that relates to the ongoing struggles of trying to secure that future- primarily, the financial side of things- the job side of things. I will also include some pretty bird pictures I have taken because there aren’t really images to go along with this topic.

You see, I have been on the job hunt for four years. FOUR. YEARS. I have considered myself unemployed for four years, even though I have held temporary jobs in that time. None of them were career opportunities, and none of them really paid enough to actually live so I don’t count them as “real jobs”.

So four years on the job hunt, literally thousands of applications sent into the void. The vast majority of which go unanswered, some get an automated rejection response months later, extremely few get an automated rejection response within a month or two. In these thousands of applications I have had a grand total of three interviews. I guess, technically I had five interviews, but two of those were for stop gap jobs to fill in while I continued searching for an actual career position and I was hired for both. Of the three important interviews, I was hired for one, but it turned out that the position didn’t actually exist due to government funding cuts. I was passed up for another (that was an absolutely perfect match) because they hired an internal candidate. And I was apparently first runner up for the third, which they likely only even had other candidates because I fixed their application process in order to apply for it. 

I’m not even joking, it was a small business that was using a google form for their application. They didn’t set it up right so anyone who accessed it was able to edit and manage the form but couldn’t actually submit it. When I accessed it, someone else’s information was partially filled out and available for all to see. I copied the information, erased the form and fixed the settings (and a few spelling errors) so that people could actually submit it, filled it out and submitted my application and then emailed the company to let them know what happened and included the other applicants information from the form- because I am too honest of a person. Despite all of that and my actual qualifications for the job, it went to someone else. 

Beyond those few interviews? Silence. 

There is a lot of discussion over how terrible the job market is and how unnecessarily tedious the application process is. There are a lot of people looking for jobs, a lot of job postings that don’t actually exist, and a lot of AI slop interfering on both sides. It is implied that the process is exhausting. But no one really talks about how it is actually emotionally devastating. I have talked about burn out before on this blog, and I may have even talked about the job stuff. Burn out also doesn’t convey the emotions fully. So that is what I want to dive into today.

It’s one thing to be tired of the slog, exhausted by the process, burnt out by the never ending conveyor belt of applications. That is all to be expected. But there is a much worse and much deeper wound inflicted by being at this for so long. Doubt. 

Especially for someone like me. I enjoy working. Well, I enjoy doing things that I am good at, that make a difference, and that are appreciated. I don’t enjoy slaving away for scraps with a company that couldn’t care less. And yet, I still can’t help but put my all into it. That is just who I am. I am a dedicated worker. I am or will be good at any job you put in front of me. I will learn what I need too for the position and then go further. I will optimize work processes and make the whole flow more efficient. If you give me a team I will organize and invigorate them. IF I am given the freedom to do so and the agency to own my work- courtesies that have not often been granted in a lot of jobs I have held. 

I WANT to work. Even more so, I want to work in an organization that aligns with my passions. Conservation, ecology, sustainability, or maybe gaming, art and design, and creativity. There are a broad range of fields I could be happy and productive in. and I have applied to so many of them and many more that are outside my intended scope simply because, well, I am desperate. 

And that is the part that doesn’t get talked about. 

The desperation. The growing imposter syndrome. The doubt and falling confidence. The depression and hopelessness.

Once upon a time, I was very confident in my abilities and experiences, rarely, I still am. But those moments are getting less with every automated rejection letter. I find myself constantly questioning my abilities. 

These days the job hunt isn’t just exhausting, it is distressing. I get anxiety over job applications that I am probably still well qualified for but I don’t even know anymore. Am I? Am I actually good at anything? Do I actually have any marketable skills at all? Cause it sure as fuck doesn’t seem like it! 

My years in education, retail, non-profit management, graphic design, web design, program management, tech support, communications, content writing and editing, marketing, curriculum design and so much more- They mean nothing. I guess none of it counts for getting a real career. I don’t know what I have been doing all my life but apparently it wasn’t building any sort of useful skills. 

And if I do see a job listing that I am expertly qualified for and would really enjoy? It’s hard to get excited about it anymore. I have been very excited at the idea of opportunities in the past. I have put in so much effort to try and tailor my resumes and write the perfect cover letter for jobs that I really want, that I know would be good at, and that I would actually enjoy and find fulfillment in doing. But then nothing happens. I don’t hear anything. I can’t even get feedback to see if I could have done something different to at least get to an interview. It is harder and harder to harness that excitement and get a good cover letter out. And without, when there is only doubt and hopelessness left, it is near impossible to talk myself up for a position, even if it is one that I would be perfect for and would be excited about. 

And because the trigger is the application process itself, it’s so difficult to even do anything about it. I can be in a great mood, feeling confident, ready to take on the world! But as soon as I fire up LinkedIn or Conservation Job Boards or whatever else and I start looking, that confidence takes a flying leap out the window and all that is left is doubt. What is the point? Not like anyone will even see my application. Am I even qualified for this? Can I even do this job? Oh this is the exact thing I have prepared for and one all my life and there probably isn’t anyone better qualified for it than I am but am I ACTUALLY qualified for it? Probably not. I don’t have any useful skills. My experience means nothing, I am nothing special, I can’t do this or that and I don’t know anyone who can get me in so I don’t have a chance. 

When I am logical, I know this is not the case. But when I am logical, it’s all the more annoying because I know the vast majority of my applications probably are not even being seen by human eyes. And I don’t know how to get around that problem. I have tried various tips and tricks the internet has to offer, I have tried to optimize my resume for ATS crap, I have tried to copy the wording from listings to include in my resume and/or cover letter. And let me just side track for a second on that because the number of fucking cover letters I have written is insane! For this much writing I could have just done an entire PhD dissertation! I am a blog writer, I am not adverse to writing, but so many jobs now want a cover letter and a resume and WHY!? Most of them don’t need it! If you want to get an idea of my personality then fucking give me an interview! Do you think my cover letter will be any less curated than my appearance on a camera or across a table from you? I promise it’s not. In fact, it was WAY more curated. It is also way more eloquent. While I am adept at all forms of communication I am definitely a lot more academic in text as the half second it takes for my words to get from my brain to my fingers is enough time to edit and amend whatever I am saying before I say it- vs speaking which removes that half second altogether and what comes out might be jumbled nonsense or a long “uhhhhhh”. Blame it on the undiagnosed probable AuDHD.

Anyway, logically, I know that I have valuable skills and experience. I know that most of my applications are not seen by humans. I KNOW that I am entirely capable and sometimes overqualified for many of the jobs I have applied for. And for the ones I might be under-qualified for, I  KNOW that I would still excel at them if just given the chance to learn. I love learning new things and overcoming challenges. I love being productive and feeling accomplished. I also love making enough money to live but, while that is one of my biggest stressors, it isn’t really my biggest motivation. If I was just making “enough” to be comfortable, and allowed a good work life balance, my biggest stressor would be gone without any damage to my actual motivation to do the work. 

I am at my wits end with the whole job hunt process, I don’t know what to do anymore and it just becomes more distressing every time I try. I sent off another 12 applications this morning and avoided ones requiring a cover letter. I don’t expect to hear anything back from any of them.

Honestly, I am to the point that I have wondered about just writing a brutally honest cover letter to a few jobs and be like “hey, ya know why I would be good at this job? Because I am fucking desperate!!!” I don’t think saying it like that would really help me but maybe wording it in a more appealing way? I mean, after so many attempts doing everything the “right” way it’s kind of like, why not? What do I have to lose? I have been going at it this long without anything working out so maybe it’s time to just try something radical?

Something has to work. The longer it goes on the more negative I get. I used to think I was actually pretty good at interviews, if I could just get to a fucking human more often I would probably have no problem getting the job. But I am not sure if that’s true anymore. When things have been going poorly for so long it is really hard to not let that bleed into your tone and personality. I have become a much more negative person over the past years, but no less genuine; actually, I might be even more genuine as I care less about what people think of me as I get older. Which means it is hard for me to hide that general negativity in social situations that require it. I don’t know if I am good at interviews anymore, and it’s been so long since I have had one, despite endless applications, I don’t have recent data to go off of. 

That negativity and self doubt is equally unhelpful in the freelance realm. While I have continued some odd jobs and taken up freelance web design and content writing/editing, that requires getting clients- and the introvert in me has never been good at that. I have always had some level of imposter syndrome and always questioned my abilities but that has definitely gotten a LOT worse in recent years with how everything has gone.  

So what do I do? 

Well, I write blog posts for one. It is a form of therapy and catharsis for me. But it doesn’t really offer any advice or solutions. It just lets me complain in a public forum. 

I don’t have the solution. 

I keep on applying. I keep on trying to find the motivation beyond the anxiety.I know that I can do it. I can do almost anything, if just given the chance…