The Trauma I Didn’t Know I Had?

(This time I was writing things as I experienced them but posting a little later since I just posted the ‘move’ blog. at the time of writing)

This entry will basically detail my first few days/weeks in Seattle… What I have seen and experienced. 

And let me tell you, it is already a different world! 

I went to the market, THE market, Pike Place Market, for the first time and it was absolutely amazing. The fresh fish and seafood was just wonderful and I got so many delicious smoked salmon samples! And it smells amazing! Like FRESH fish… which is not a fishy smell. Such a great vibe too, everyone is friendly and willing to discuss their wares and engage in casual conversation like people and not like used cars salesmen. I will probably be visiting this place often, but the excitement of the fresh market was just a small part, the thing that really struck me was that the people are so friendly! I was wearing a pride shirt that said “You Belong” and an old grizzled fishmonger commented POSITIVELY on it! Saying he was an ally. We got into a short conversation about how I had just moved here from the south and was thrilled at how welcoming everyone here has been so far. 

It is a feeling of REAL acceptance, not the pretend acceptance of the south where everyone is nice and welcoming until they find out you are an “other”.

Not far from the fish stall I met a trans man running a little oddities shop and he had recently moved out here from Texas so we chatted a bit over the shared traumas of bible belt culture. Further along, I talked to more seafood sellers and they welcomed me with more free samples and tips for the market and friendly advice on building relationships since I was a local now and not a tourist. I know a lot of that is just friendly customer service to get sales, but the casual and friendly conversation felt more like I have always been here, not that I was just some new stranger to the area. Honestly, in a few hours, I probably had more social interaction with strangers than i have in the entire 14 years I lived in Oklahoma! (excluding educational programs) 

And the FOOD! Omg I swear every meal I eat out here is better than the last! After being stuck in a cultural desert for over a decade, now suddenly having access to an entire world of different cultures in such a small area is dizzyingly exciting! I have been out exploring nearly every day and I don’t think I have traveled more than 2 miles in any direction. I have been meeting new people and trying new foods and seeing new things and it is just AMAZING.

It was all so very refreshing and filled my heart with hope and happiness, but also a little bit of sadness? 

I am now facing some confusing feelings that I am trying to parse… maybe grief? It is like it has revealed a trauma I didn’t know I had. Like I  KNOW Oklahoma has been bad for me, that’s obvious and written on the walls in big neon letters! But I never really thought of it as a trauma, it was just a bad situation. But talking to people out here, complete strangers no less, and how different it FEELS is opening my eyes to how deep the experience of Oklahoma really cut me.

I also haven’t taken much time to really process the move yet either, I have been keeping busy exploring so when I finally do sit still and have time to think… I feel the weight of it all. It’s that grief again. Grief for my own life. And what I lost and left. But a perspective shift, brought on by a comedy song writer of all things, has given me a better way to look at it. 

Level clear! Start again.  (Thanks, Tom Cardy)

I cleared the level where I started a wildlife rescue and suffered in poverty and now I am starting again. This play through I am going to be a website builder who lives in Europe, is financially comfortable, and travels through the various European countries at will.