I Want a Redo.

…..

prolonged silence

*imagine me staring into the camera, obvious exasperation and distress in my eyes, as I slowly blink  and let out a long exhausted sigh*

I  hate this time line. 

It’s like the time I played Resident Evil something or other on nightmare mode and didn’t manage to keep enough ammo before the first boss so I was just utterly screwed with no way to win the fight. Except, in this case, I can’t just restart the game and try again. Nope. Just stuck facing the boss with like 3 handgun rounds and a knife. The entire country vs the billionaire, pedophile, facist abominations that took over the government. 

First of all, I would like to wish a very poignant FUCK YOU to everyone who said I was overreacting on that fateful day in 2016 when I ugly cried all night and felt sick to my stomach the entire next day. I knew. WE knew this was coming… We knew what he would do… The 40% of US citizens that can actually read above a 6th grade level anyways. We knew. And they told us it wouldn’t be that bad. We were OVER. REACTING.

Mother fuckers y’all have been SEVERELY underreacting for fucking years now! Everything that was come to pass wasn’t even a surprise and yet we are all still paralyzed in shock like we didn’t fucking see it coming!!???

I really don’t even have words. Like… I know I am not the only one that feels this… like I am going crazy. Like nothing makes sense anymore and I am questioning everything I thought I knew or how I feel or what information is even real. I know how we got here… but how the FUCK did we get here? I know why my anxiety/depression has never responded to medication…. Because it is not a chemical imbalance that chemicals can fix. It is an extremely fucking valid response to growing up as a millennial. Being the last generation to get a decent education in the US. Going through 9/11 at age 10ish and then having an exponentially increasing number of “once in a lifetime” disasters ever since. Being told that if I go to school, do well, get a degree, then the world will be my oyster and I will have a good job and steady income and be able to afford the life I saw from my parents- only to have none of that, have to fight robots for jobs and even for fucking applications. Growing up solidly middle class and living pretty comfortable as a kid, thinking that would not only be attainable but pretty normal for most folks… only for recession after recession, inflation, stagnant wages, and the elimination of the middle class almost entirely. Seeing the world get SO FUCKING CLOSE to actually doing something about the greatest problems facing ALL of humanity just to suddenly go “fuck it! Lets abandon all efforts and give rich people more money!”. Visibly seeing the loss of insects, birds, forests, prairies, and other wild lands. Experiencing that shift from “jfc, I had to stop like every 5 miles to clean my windshield!” to “I drove for four days  and my windshield is still spotless!”. Watching idiots infest scientific spaces and distort, destroy, and make up bullshit about pretty much any given topic. Fighting against said idiots in my fields of expertise to try and get the actual correct information out just to be virtually shrieked at by the howler monkey with the smallest balls. Watching the country that I grew up in, that I learned was the land of the free… the melting pot of the world. The greatest country in the world! Well, all those illusions were broken by middle school but still, America used to look pretty good… and maybe it was… but the fact that we are here now… means it really wasn’t. I saw someone post in response to the constant horrors that the reason we are suffering all the shit that is happening now… is because we never properly punished the confederacy. And. ya know… I don’t think they are wrong. 

So yeah, My anxiety isn’t from a chemical imbalance or wonkiness in my own body. It is an accurate, understandable, and maybe even a not-as-severe-as-it-should-be response to what has happened and what is happening. 

But what does that mean? What do we do? What can we do? Why isn’t anyone doing anything!!??

Other countries are asking us the same thing… I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does… everyone knows that this maniac needs to be stopped. Everyone KNOWS where this is going if he isn’t. But… what do we do? No one wants to take on the US military, including the US citizens. And we certainly have no indication that they will be on our side if things go that way… they will just follow orders, as they have been doing all this time. 

Honestly, I don’t think the US should continue to exist as a single nation. It is very clear that we are too big to function reasonably. There is too much difference in knowledge, values and morals across all the states. I mean we had the largest protest in history, twice, against what is happening right now… and it was only 2% of the population. Even though the polls tell us that 60% of the population disapproves, and voting records tell us that only 22% of the actual population voted for him. Yet here he is. Fascist dictator of the century…. And what do we do….

This can’t go on.