I Am Terrified

The emotions are high today. I am struggling with the fear and uncertainty of it all. Most specifically, struggling with the costs, not just of moving, but of trying to pivot my career. I do not want to keep teaching, I have known this basically from the day I started teaching, but teaching might be the easiest way into another country and I have applied to some international schools. I think I wouldn’t hate it so much in a culture where teachers are valued and respected but it is not really my passion, not regular public education anyways. Staying in teaching is scary, staying where I am is scary. But something new(ish) that has been swimming around in my mind is truly terrifying… 

Trying to start my own business. Am I having a midlife crisis?

It is always something I have wanted to do, I suppose, but I never really thought seriously about it. But it is also something I have actually done already! I DID start a nonprofit and I did it mostly by myself. I didn’t hire a lawyer or non-profit coach or anything like that, I navigated all of the laws, paperwork and bureaucracy on my own. I got all the permits required for wildlife work, I registered the business, I applied for the non-profit EIN and I formed a legally valid and functional non profit -by myself; and I was terrified then too. I CAN do and HAVE done all of this before… but now, I am so burnt out.. I no longer have the confidence or the energy. 

I have always shied away from freelancing and contract work because I was afraid to not have a stable income… but I got let go without warning from the highest paying job I have ever had, right after I bought a house…That stable income ended up not being all that stable. And I have spent 3 years since then trying to break into new career fields with no luck. I am still stuck teaching, doing something I don’t like for shit pay while slipping further and further into depression with no positive prospects. My life has basically spiraled to near rock bottom and I feel like I am near death. I am only 33, actually 34 in a few days (Maybe by the time I post this). I shouldn’t feel like I am on my deathbed. There is nothing medically wrong with me, I am a bit overweight but not severely, I have a decent diet, could exercise a bit more, have no known illness or anything like that. But I have bad depression and anxiety that does not respond to medication -probably because there isn’t actually anything chemically wrong- like, my brain is not malfunctioning… My brain is responding accordingly to the situation I am in. 

What really has opened my eyes lately to the desperate need for dire change is that I had a vision… 

Out of nowhere, completely unprompted, doing entirely unrelated things, I had a flash of the future before my eyes in just a split second. I saw myself like 30 years from now and still stuck in the same horror and suffering that I am now. And in that millisecond I immediately thought to myself “Omg if this is all there is, I just want to die.” and I genuinely felt like dying in that moment. It is probably the most suicidal I have ever been and it was also a wake up call. 

So I am pivoting my entire life. I was already abandoning everything I was doing here, dropping all efforts in the US to move abroad, anywas. In addition to that, I am also refocusing my efforts into freelancing. I am still going to apply for jobs, but I am going to stop hiding from contracting and freelancing work as well. Three years of not getting hired for jobs I actually want has made me question whether or not I actually have any useful skills or knowledge at all! I KNOW that I do. I have almost 20 years of customer service experience, I started a business, I have experience in people management, project management, operations management, legal and financial organization, curriculum design and implementation, education of all ages but specialize in secondary. And that is just the human side of things, my actual passion and focus is in wildlife, My degree is in zoology and I have extensive work with animal behavior and training, wildlife ecology, wildlife rehabilitation and care, pet industry with specialization in exotic pet industry, basically if you need to know something about animals, I can tell you. I have always been exceedingly competent at any job I have ever taken and often feel like I am much more efficient than my coworkers. I can also pick up new skills basically overnight. I just applied to a startup that was looking for an SEO newbie, and the skills test they included in the application was more advanced than the level of newbie that I am- or was, so I crash coursed myself into learning it in less than 24 hours to complete the application. I am NOT an SEO expert by any means, but I was able to learn enough to interpret and advise on necessary actions for a spreadsheet full of numbers and links in less than a day. And as I was learning it I realized this is definitely something I can pick up quickly and easily if the motivation is there. I CAN DO just about any job that is put in front of me, probably with minimal training needed. I just need to fucking remember that when I am trying to sell myself as a freelancer. 

All of this probably comes off as arrogant but the truth is I spend like 90% of my time not believing it. Most of the time I find myself thinking that my knowledge is useless, I have very broad and fairly deep knowledge about animals across the world, pets, wildlife or otherwise, but I am not a specialist like my friend who is doing a PHD studying snake venom, or a consultant I know who advises some of the biggest zoos on bird diets, I just know some stuff about animals, ecology, behavior and training… but I am not a specialist in any of them. My project management experience isn’t “real” because I haven’t held a job with that title, I have just done it, in a messy way, with my own life and my rescue, but I don’t have much experience using project management software or working with an actually functional team or across teams. I started a small non-profit, which wasn’t really that hard and I struggled every step of the way and ultimately, closed it down. I am proud of what I did with my rescue, but  I often feel like it wasn’t that big of an accomplishment. My knowledge isn’t desired, and my experience isn’t relevant to paid work. That is how I usually think… So anytime I can actually recognize what I have done for the true feats of strength that they are, I need to jump on those affirmations and try to internalize them as much as possible. 

So now let me circle back around to my midlife crisis. 

I started this blog as a result of joining a moving abroad bootcamp. I mean, it is, as I said, to process my emotions and hold myself accountable and all that jazz but I was inspired to do it because of this bootcamp. I had already been thinking about leaving the US for a long time and saw this facebook ad for the bootcamp for $37. I was super wary of it because there are a LOT of scams going around (especially now) for helping people move abroad, but I figured… well its $37, that is not a huge loss if it is just a waste of time. But it might be the best $37 I have ever spent and I have learned so much and gained so much confidence and belief that I can actually make this happen and now I am even reconsidering my entire life path and thinking I can actually try for a freelance business! It has given me the knowledge and structure and support to actually believe in all of this, and I feel ready to attack this challenge and take everything back. 

I am fucking terrified, but… big risk, big reward.
You know the last time I said that? When I started my wildlife rescue. Though the rescue did fail, I don’t really consider it a failure. It was an experience that I am proud of. 

My life has spent three years falling apart.. And it is well past time to pull it back together.